


Windmills of My Mind, The

by lemotmo



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-17
Updated: 2006-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-30 23:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15107240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemotmo/pseuds/lemotmo
Summary: Josh POV - a funeral





	Windmills of My Mind, The

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**The Windmills of My Mind**

**by:** Ellen 

**Character(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donn  
**Category(s):** Angst/Song!Fic  
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Disclaimer:** The characters belong to Aaron Sorkin et al  
**Summary:** Josh POV - a funeral  
**Spoiler:** none  
**Written:** 09/13/03  
**Author's Note:** I have no idea where this story came from. While I was listening to the wonderful song 'Windmills of your mind' sung by Noel Harrison I was thinking of the funeral of a very good friend I lost in 2002 and suddenly the words just formed in my mind. The whole story started playing in my head and I almost cried just thinking about it. So, I decided to write it down. 

The music rolls against the walls and hits the rooftop only to come crashing down again to reach my ears and haunt my thoughts. 

~~==~~ 

_Round like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel_  
Never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel  
Like a snowball down a mountain or a carnival balloon  
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon  
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes on its face  
And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space  
Like the circles that you find  
In the windmills of your mind 

~~==~~ 

This is not the way it's supposed to be. Not like this … not like this. Her husband shouldn't sit in front, holding their 2-year old daughter, clinging to her as if she was his last connection to her. That amazing woman that stole his heart and that he loved so much. Her parents shouldn't sit next to him, her mother … broken and crying uncontrollably, her father just staring into space as if he could somehow make her appear again by the force of sheer will. The look in his eyes breaking when the realisation finally dawns that his little girl is never coming home again. 

Leo is not supposed to sit next to CJ, trying to comfort her but failing miserably. The President and First Lady sitting next to Leo, holding hands and listening to the music with a sad look in their eyes. On CJ's other side is Toby, his face is drained from all colour and for the first time ever I see him crying. Sam and Will are in the row just behind them, Sam looking utterly devastated and Will just trying to hold it all together. 

For a moment it seems as if nothing has changed. 

But it has. 

It has. 

For she's not sitting amongst them. 

She will never be sitting amongst them anymore. 

I know that when the service will be over everyone will go up to Jack and his little girl. They will try to comfort him and tell him that even though it doesn't seem like it at this moment that it will be all right … some day. I can't bring myself to do that. I can't tell him that everything is going to be fine when I don't believe it myself. My chest feels hollow now that she has taken off with my heart so unexpectedly. And I don't know what to do. 

I'm lost without her. 

I look at Jack and I know he hurts, but somehow I know that he could never be able to comprehend what I'm feeling at this moment. This is the second time I've lost her, but at least the first time around I was still able to see her every day when she came into work. Of course things hadn't been the same after the marriage. We had never reached that level of intimacy again, the level we shared before Jack had arrived. I have lost her completely now and somehow I think … no … I know that things will never be okay again. 

Not without her. 

I'm sitting alone, in the back row. I can't face him. 

I can't face any of them. 

I don't have the right to face them. I'm afraid that somehow they will take one look at my face and they'll know the truth. The truth that ... that it's my fault that she's gone for good. She had somehow ended up on my doorstep that night and she had told me. 

She had just told me … 

_"When I married him I thought that I was doing the right thing. That I would just be able to get over you and that I would forget about you after a while. But that's not how it works, Josh. I like Jack, I respect Jack … but … I love you … I always have. And I can't deny it anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm tired of living a lie. I needed you to know that … I need you, I want you. So, I've come to a decision. I'm leaving him. Tomorrow I'm packing my bags and I'm leaving him. I will take Emily with me for I will not desert my little girl. And then, even though every one will disapprove, I will come to you and I'll finally be able to be happy … that is … if you'll have me."_

I hadn't said anything, I had just opened my arms and welcomed her home, telling her all the things I had been bottling up for years. Kissing her just as I had always imagined I would kiss her one day. That night we had made love for the first time and as it turned out, also for the last time. 

I felt alive that night. 

For the first time in -what felt like- ages, I was alive again. 

~~==~~ 

_Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own_  
Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone  
Like a door that keeps revolving in a half-forgotten dream  
Like the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream  
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes on its face  
And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space  
Like the circles that you find  
In the windmills of your mind 

~~==~~ 

That song. Those words. 

Donna loved that song. She used to hum it all the time in the office. 

She'll never hum again. 

She'll never come to work again. 

She'll never come to me again. 

~~==~~ 

_Keys that jingle in your pocket_  
Words that jangle in your head  
Why did summer go so quickly?  
Was it something that you said?  
Lovers walk along a shore  
And leave their footprints in the sand  
Was the sound of distant drumming  
Just the fingers of your hand?  
Pictures hanging in a hallway  
Or the fragment of a song  
Half-remembered names and faces  
But to whom do they belong?  
When you knew that it was over  
You were suddenly aware  
That the autumn leaves were turning  
To the colour of her hair?

~~==~~ 

She had left my apartment that morning to go home and to tell Jack that she was leaving him. She never got there. One tired truck driver who had been sitting behind the wheel all night long … 

that was all it took. All it took to rip her away from me and our life together. 

The life we could have had. 

The life we would have had. 

The service is over now. People can greet her remains for the last time. They slowly line up and say their goodbye's silently. Afterwards they all go up to Jack, trying to make him feel better. As if that is possible. 

I wait until most people are gone, pull my coat a bit tighter around me and slowly walk over to the coffin. I gently touch it and I feel empty inside. I look up at my friends and co-workers, still there, hovering over her husband. 

What about me? 

Does no one remember me? 

The guy that knew her better than anyone else in the whole world. The man she was in tune with. The man who would have killed for her. I guess I'm not that important anymore. I took a step back the day she got married. I'm not their biggest concern anymore. If only they knew the truth. But they don't and they never will. 

I will not tell them. 

Nobody knows what Donna was doing on 6th Street around 8 o'clock that morning or where she had been all night. Telling them would mean tampering with her memory and I will not do that. I refuse to let people remember Donnatella Moss as a conflicted woman. A woman that had just spent the night with another man and was about to leave her husband for him. I want her to linger in people's memories as a loving and caring wife and mother, even if it isn't the complete truth. I have decided it will always stay my secret. The fact that I loved her beyond measuring and that she loved me back doesn't matter anymore. She's gone, I'm slowly dying inside and they will never understand why. 

If only they knew of the agony I'm going through … realising that I finally had her that night, only to lose her the next day. 

No. 

They will never understand. 

"Josh." 

I look up from my day-dreaming and find myself surrounded by the same friends I thought that had abandoned me. I hadn't expected the concern in Toby's questioning voice and suddenly I feel tired of always having to hide my emotions. I stare into their eyes and what I see there baffles me. 

They know. 

They know exactly how I feel about her and then I just show them my broken heart. The dam I have built inside me succumbs under the pressure of my grieve and I crash to the ground, sobbing like a little child. I feel someone putting his hands on my shoulders to give me support and somehow I just know that it's Leo. His voice is thick with compassion when he speaks. 

"I know that it doesn't seem like it right now. But everything will be all right, son. Everything will be all right." 

A raw laugh echoes through the church. I find myself wondering who would dare to disturb her rest with laughter. I'm shocked when I suddenly realise that it's me. Finally, I find my voice again. 

"You are so wrong, Leo. How can my life ever be all right again without her in it? She was what kept me going every day. She pushed me to try harder every time I felt like giving up and she was always … always there for me, as I was for her. She showed me to live again, Leo. And now she's gone and I will soon follow her … for living another day without her is not an option. It never was." 

Looks of horror follow my last statement. Strangely enough I feel a sudden peace descending over me. I slowly stand up again, wiping away the last remnants of my emotional outburst from my face. 

"Josh, you can't just …" 

"No CJ, I have made my choice." 

I look at her final resting place one more time and pull a single white rose from my breast pocket. I gently put it on the coffin. 

As I turn I leave my life and the people in it behind and determinedly start walking towards the exit … towards my destiny. And I can't suppress a smile when I suddenly hear a faint voice vibrating and echoing against the high ceilings and bouncing off the walls. 

A melodious voice that is only meant for me to hear. 

And I whisper softly. 

"I'm coming Donna. I'm coming." 

But the voice doesn't answer … it just keeps on humming. 

~~==~~ 

_Like a circle in a spiral_  
Like a wheel within a wheel  
Never ending or beginning  
On an ever-spinning reel  
As the images unwind  
Like the circles that you find  
In the windmills of your mind

~~==~~ 


End file.
